At the start of 2024, I made a resolution with myself. It was more of a stubborn, determined promise really, but resolution sounds nicer. I decided to make 2024 my year of memories.
The previous 12 months had really taken their toll on me mentally. I’d lost friends and family members, moved home, lost work, and dealt with situations I never could have imagined in my wildest dreams or worst nightmares. As January started, I knew I needed to change my mindset before the black hole swallowed me up. I’ve been in that black hole before and absolutely refuse to return there.
To put it simply, I refused to let anyone or anything break me. So, I started working on changing my mindset and focussing on the good things.
My first task in 2024 was to find a therapist.
A really, really good therapist.
I’ve spoken openly about my mental health in the past, in the hope that others won’t feel so alone. Previously, I’ve taken antidepressants and tried a variety of different NHS counselling options. But I knew that this time I needed something more. Because of waiting times and shortages in resources, the NHS would only be able to offer me a maximum of 12 sessions with a counsellor. There was no way I could get where I needed to be in just 12 weeks. So, I found an amazing psychotherapist with decades of experience in the areas I needed and, at the beginning of 2024, I booked my first appointment.
It’s been tough at times. I have chronic anxiety and a crippling fear of rejection caused by previous experiences. I am also recovering from the long-term effects of narcissistic abuse. But, we have been working together for about 6 months now and progress is definitely being made. I am now able to identify my anxious and spiralling thoughts, making it possible to avoid triggers and manage my fears more easily.
I have found techniques to help me manage the way I react to things without catastrophising and self-sabotaging. I have been able to put boundaries in place and stand up for myself (which might sound surprising as I usually come across as super confident), and I am sleeping for around 5-6 hours a night which is a massive improvement from the 3 hours I was averaging at the start of the year.
One of the biggest benefits of working through things in therapy has been that I’ve started to write again for fun; not just for work. For over a year, I would struggle to even look at my laptop, and now I am finding pleasure in it again.
The other big change is that I’ve been able to start dating again. At the start of this year, I couldn’t imagine being able to let someone into my life. Even friends were regularly shut out due to fear of rejection and abandonment. It was easier to lock people out rather than risk being hurt again.
But now, thanks to my amazing therapist, I’m able to see that the world isn’t the place I thought it was. Don’t get me wrong, dating isn’t easy. And I am a lot to deal with sometimes. I need reassurance and patience, and my anxiety can sometimes be triggered by stupid things. But it’s massive progress.
Now, on to my year of memories.
One of the best side effects of being in therapy is that I’ve started being able to truly enjoy things again. I’ve started going to more music events again. I’ve spent time exploring my local area. I’ve booked our first family holiday. I’ve spent time with friends and travelled by myself. I’ve even joined a book club to try and meet new people. Being able to find joy in everyday things has felt incredibly precious to me. Whether it’s a quiet cup of tea in my new garden, visiting theme parks, or playing pool at my local pub, every moment feels as though it has more value now than it ever has before.
And it’s not just going out and doing things that has helped to create my year of memories. Time has become incredibly valuable to me. The idea that everyone has a finite number of hours and minutes, but that some people choose to spend their time with me hits me in a way I can’t really explain. Time has more value to me than anything else. If someone offered me a choice between a million pounds and an hour in their company, I’d say “ok, what shall we do with our hour?”.
Looking to the future
As I write this, the 2024 summer holidays are in full swing and I’m prepping for a family holiday, an 18th birthday, and the start of a uni adventure for one of my brood. It’s absolute chaos, but a good kind of chaos. The kind of chaos which brings with it a million possibilities and endless memories.
For the first time in 18 months, I am excited to know what the future will hold.