Possibly the most important thing I’ve learnt in 19 years of parenting is how important is it to listen to the little things.
As a parent, you probably have to listen to the little things all day, every day.
“mum, have you seen my special rock?”
“mummy, do you know where that thing went I had a month ago?”
“mum, joe blogs was mean to me and called me a stinky head”
“mummy, I don’t like the way my socks feel today”
“mum, jane wouldn’t talk to me today”
“mummy, I really need to tell you about this really cool leaf I saw today”
“mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum”
When our children are small, it can feel like there’s an endless stream of consciousness coming out of their mouths. A never-ending list of seemingly irrelevant things that they just HAVE to tell you, and of course it can’t wait. From the moment they wake up in the morning, to the moment they finally drift off after yet another bedtime story and far too many “last wees”, it’s a constant soundtrack.
At times, it’s overwhelming. All you’ll want is for them to stop and just give you a few minutes of peace. As parents, we’ve all been there and we’ve probably all asked for them to just stop so we can hear ourselves think. Most of us will also feel guilty about this.
But, one of the most important things I’ve ever learnt as a parent is how important is is to listen to these little things.
Because, to them, none of it is little.
To a three-year-old, finding that important rock is a vitally important thing. They can’t possibly imagine living life without it and it’s recovery is a matter of utmost urgency.
To the ten-year-old, being called a stinky head is the worst thing that could have happened to them that day. They need to know that you don’t believe it to be true.
Little things becoming bigger things
The thing is, though, that as our children get bigger, so do their problems. They start living lives that aren’t as rigorously monitored by ourselves and we need to be able to trust that they’ll come to us when they need help.
It might seem a long way off when they’re tiny, but one day, our children will grow up and, eventually, they’ll leave home. We will set them loose into the world and hope that they have the skills they need. The problems don’t stop, but we can still be the people they turn to.
Whether it’s friendship issues, worries about exams, pressure to get involved in relationships they don’t want, drugs, alcohol, job stresses, mental health issues, or any number of other potential problems, our children need to know that we will listen without judgement and be there to support them.
We can’t always be there every moment of every day. But, by laying the right foundations, we can teach our children that it’s ok to say when things aren’t ok. We can show them that we will always be there to listen, help and offer advice.
I’ve had times as my older children have grown up when they’ve come to me with a bigger problem. Some problems I could help with, sometimes I could offer advice, other times they just needed me to listen. To know that they’re not alone.
For me, it’s an honour that they trust me with these things. Knowing my child can come to me even if they think it’ll upset me is a massive sign of the trust we have. They trust me to know what to do and how to help them. And, most importantly, rather than hiding a situation or letting it get worse, they come to me.
Nobody’s perfect
It’s important to recognise that I don’t always get it right. There are times when I’m utterly exhausted and the last thing I want to listen to is another moan about something silly.
There have also been plenty of occasions where I’ve thought about it afterwards and realised I should have said or done something differently. Occasionally, I’ll go back to them and apologise for not listening properly, or for not giving very good advice.
Most of the time, they just want to know that they’ve been heard.
It really does matter when you listen to the little things
When we show our children that we’re willing to listen to the little things, they’ll trust us with the big things.