I’ve got a confession to make. For the last year-or-so, I haven’t enjoyed writing. In fact, I’d go so far as to say that at times I’ve hated it. I’ve had (and am still dealing with) writer’s block. There have been days when I’ve sat staring at my laptop for hours, willing the words to appear, but they stubbornly stay behind a wall in my mind.
I firmly believe that words have a power. They’re magical. Words can spirit you away to hidden worlds, educate you in things you never thought you’d know; provide comfort and reassurance. Words are magical and writer’s block has been nothing short of torture.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve been a writer, although not always professionally. Sometimes, it’s been hidden scribbles of ideas in a notebook, a thought for a story I just had to get down on paper, thoughts and ideas and brainstormed lists on my phone. Feeling as though the passion had gone has been devastating. It’s as though I lost a part of myself.
Someone pulled the plug on my creativity and it drained away without me realising what was happening.
Ups and Downs
It’s not all been bad, and there have been some projects I’ve really loved working on. But, it’s been hard to feel detached from the thing I’ve always been so passionate about. At the start, I would try to force myself to write. I’d sit there and force the words out, one by one, until there was something resembling a sentence. Invariably, the sentence would be rubbish. I’d delete it and sit there forcing myself again. It was torture, and it didn’t work. Eventually, I stopped trying. I focussed on only writing for clients and let go of my creative side for a little while.
It got to a point where I seriously considered giving up writing altogether. I wondered whether maybe I’d got it wrong and would be better suited to doing something different.
But I couldn’t let go.
Something I’ve learnt is that things take time. There is a process, even if you’re not entirely sure what that process is or what the end result will look like. It’s important sometimes to let go of the expectations you might have and just let the process happen. As someone who’s very stubborn, likes seeing results, and isn’t good at letting go, this has been a challenge. But, it was also essential. I had to let go of what I thought I should be doing and let myself work through whatever issues were stopping me from writing.
Recently, it’s started to get better. I’m not entirely sure what the turning point was, or whether I just needed time to be able to climb over my wall. Writer’s block seems to be slowly loosening its hold on me. The words still don’t flow quite as freely as they used to, but I can see them. They’re still there. They didn’t abandon me.
I’ve started brainstorming ideas for books that I’d like to write. Some of them have potential. Some of them will definitely never make it out of the brainstorming phase. For now, I’m content to stretch my creative wings just a little bit.